A boring and predictable novel becomes a boring and predictable movie:”The Girl on the Train” Movie Review (1 star)

Horrible structure, cheesy dialogue, laughable twists and mediocre performances? Thrilling.

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Emily Blunt in “The Girl on the Train”

Where do you even begin with the problems that “The Girl on the Train” has? I’ll be completely honest and start by saying I detested the book. It wanted to be “Gone Girl” so badly you could almost imagine the write having Gillian Flynn’s book out while she was trying to compose this thing. The plot is paper-thin and told in the most bizarre and hard to follow manner, the prose and dialogue were horrendous, and the absurd “twists” (if you want to call them that because I predicted the book about 50 pages in) were absolutely laughable.

Luckily, in the film version they try to improve on that.  GOTCHA! They take the most ridiculous parts of the novel and expand on them – in particular,the corny dialogue which no human has ever spoken like.

Its such a shame too, given the level of talent involved in this project. Emily Blunt does fine for what she is given, but was she never told that the key to acting drunk on stage/film is to try and not act drunk? I felt like I was watching an improv sketch that took place in a bar. Not to mention they always felt the need to have her make up all messed up. When her make up starts to get nice again means she’s stopped drinking – Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the dumbing down of film for audiences…

I don’t know if I ever want to see another shot of a single tear running down a person’s cheek in a film again. The cinematography feels so ridiculously out of place. They kept the terrible structure of the book – different perspectives and flashbacks and flash words (in truth it’s the only way the ridiculous plot even remotely feels plausible.) The poor cinematographer and editor were given the arduous job of making these jumps appear seamless. How many slow motion shots of drunk Emily Blunt do we really need?? We get it, she’s an alcoholic, she stumbles. Move on with the story.

The last note I’ll make about this before I let it go and move on with my day is this: there is not a single redeemable character in this story. Sure we’re supposed to feel bad for Blunt’s character by the end, but at least in the novel they were able to give us more insight into why she is this way. The pacing of this movie and the structure of the film leave very little room for any kind of character development so we only see these people for what they are on the surface. Drunks, Cheaters, Murderers, Abusers, etc. Oh! And Allison Janney… Allison Janney is always perfect.

Awards Potential: Best Actress (Haha I just laughed really hard typing that, but I guess I’ll be generous)

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